2016: I had fun last night, but you gotta go

I promised myself to put down my thoughts into writing before the year ended. Not for social media sharing, not to solicit empathy for anyone around me. Rather, it was something I wanted to do to reflect and be able, ready, and willing to move on.

A stream of consciousness with little editing and parsing.

It was common for everyone to look back on 2016 and deem it a terrible year. From celebrity deaths to the impending doom of the United States in the hands of alt-right white supremacists, 2016 was a year to forget for a lot of people.

I've had my ups and downs this year - more downs and deeper troughs than up - but I look back on this year with one thought:

2016 was one of the shittiest years I've experienced in quite some time, but I wouldn't change a thing about it.

Through the struggles came an opening into a deeper understanding of purpose and sense of self. And while I went through times of heartache, the personal growth that came out of it was profound. 

The year started with pain. A journey across Europe and Asia was set up in hopes to find direction, but only found sadness and confusion. Questioning, doubt, longing. The struggle to make a hope a reality never came through. January 1, 2016: sitting in a loud bar in Hong Kong in Wan Chai, among a sea of jubilant and loud partiers.

I was in the corner of that dive bar; beer and cocktail residue lining the floor so that your shoes couldn't get off the ground without that sticky, velcro-like reaction. 

I was at the corner of that dive bar; staring at my two plastic cups of whiskey and coke, cigarette on the other hand. 

I was at the corner of that dive bar; chain smoking and drinking, looking for an escape and some sort of solace. 

It wasn't there. 

I was in the last semester of Business School - I should have been enjoying it. But all I wanted to do was curl into a ball of self-wallowing. Not a pretty sight. 

My year was filled with moments like these. I had hoped to embark on my own Eat, Pray, Love journey to find some sense of direction and meaning:

1. January: Hong Kong, Mammoth Lakes
2. February: San Francisco, San Diego
3. March: Shanghai, Las Vegas, New York
4. April: Miami, San Francisco, Las Vegas
5. May/June: Hong Kong, Shanghai, Taipei

Nothing panned out.

While 2012 was rough for me, the circumstances were different. 2012 was looking outward: friends, the future.

2016 was inward: me, choices, purpose. 

I tried meditation and mindfulness. While it helped center me at some points, it didn't solve much.

For the first eight months of this year, I woke up at 5AM on the dot every morning. Didn't matter where, when I fell asleep, or my exhaustion. 

I had knots in my back that would take a strong elbow from the masseuse to break down. 

You harken back to the sayings coaches and mentors tell you:

• Continue to grind it out, roll with the punches
• Keep on fighting and you'll get what you pursue

But after a certain extent, the will to fight starts to fade. 

Getting rejected by two companies you went through multiple rounds, cases, and in-person interviews with on your birthday really, really sucks

The summer was marked by questioning whether the choices I made were worth it. Should I throw it all away? I thought about getting away from it all. Working 6 months as a WWOOFer, to try to figure it out. 

I had friends, I had family, I had support. But the troughs this year made me feel lonelier than ever. 

Everyone around me could see me struggling, trying to cheer me up. I owe them a lot for helping me get through it. One thing that stuck with me was something my dad said:

"Life is like seasons: you go through ups and downs. You're just going through winter now, but like seasons it'll be spring again"

Sure enough, he was right. The second half of the year began to turn, and one weekend getaway in Cooks Valley up in Humboldt in the middle of the forest turned out to be the tipping point. Floating by the river looking up in the sky, mind completely blank, filled with euphoria. 

I can't really describe how I got I out of my funk. It was really through continuous grinding, pounding on the pavement. No life advice will really come out of this.

But here I am now, in my apartment in Oakland looking through the year and reflecting on all the events that have transpired. I remember one of my friends commenting on how I've changed since I left New York. 

I would tend to agree, and through this year I thought through everything and widdled down 3 things that stuck with me about this year:

1. You'll find that everything you try to "plan" for will inevitably not go according to plan. All you can do is make yourself open to opportunity
2. At some points in your life, you need to stop beating yourself up.
3. I am so incredibly lucky to have the friends that brought me up this year when I was down

I enter 2017 with a strong sense of self and worth with the friends and family around me. My hope is that writing this can put the year behind me and look forward to the new.

So with that, I sign off for this year. 

As John Oliver so eloquently put it: "Fuck you, 2016."